Dear Ellie,
Without a doubt I would chop off my left ear because I have two ears and I have always considered my left ear annoying.
Those who are wondering want else I would do in the interests of survival I will tell you. I warn you that the preceeding text will be vile and despicable, but the point is that I will do anything in the interested of survival. For details, read on.
I would intentionally saw off my leg, rub chili peppers in my eyes, break my arms at the elbow, burn my right nostril shut, sing "I'm a little tea pot" in a tootoo, amputate one of my testicles, pull out my finger nails with pliers, brand my butt with a cattle prod that says, "cheaper by the pound", drink twelve bottles of NyQuil through a straw, suck my eye ball out with an industrial strength vacuum cleaner, and cover myself in fish guts and jump into a piranha tank. I would call the Queen of England a "!@#%$", or a "*&$%". I would cover myself in bacon grease and kick a mother bear's cub in the face. I would consume larve, rats, brains, urine, even my dead mother if it means the difference between dying of starvation or seeing the sun rize over the apocoliptic wasteland (love you mom). If I was being chased by bad guys I would hide in a mass grave, latrine, a snake pit, and John Candy's dirty underwear pile. I would hide in the belly of a horse to keep warm from the bitting cold, You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I will do anything to survive because I only have one life to live and no shame. I would lick Richard Simmon's chest hair, tape my guts in with duck tape, date Rosie O'Donald, I would... oh God... say that (sniff)Luke Skywalker was not my idol! I would become a Radier's fan. I would host a Jane Austin movie marathon with a group of seventh grade girls and wear pink pj's.
PS: I wouldn't eat anyone that reads my column.
