Where do babies come from?

Dear Irene,     
       If I have heard the news right you recently had a baby but have many questions surrounding the baby; such as, where do babies come from or, how did I become pregnant? I can answer these troubling questions as I am a man of extreme intellectual, physical, and metaphysical beauty. But with that being said I maintain blunt language, being completely honest and uncensored in my diagnosis. I warn you, baby making can be a carnal sweaty business and what you are about to read might make you feel very uncomfortable.
        To begin, babies occur when a mom and a dad kiss 100 times within a nine month period. If mom and dad want twins they kiss two hundred times within a 9 month period. The duration of a kiss will determine the size of the baby. If your 100 kisses average over two seconds it can increase the size of the baby by one pound. Per 100 kisses, every addition of five seconds to your AKD (average kissing duration) can increase your babies weight by a pound. Also, depending on who initiates the kissing determines the sex of the baby. If the father initiates, on average, more then the woman, the baby will have a higher chance of being male, and depending on how dramatic the initiation was, on average, will determine how manly or womanly the baby will be. A study was done on married couples throughout the Oregon suburbs that had four or more children. One such couple's first three children were boys and of those boys the first two were considered extremely manly (e.g. hair on chest, commanding presence, athletic). This was because the wife reported extreme dramatic kissing throughout their early marriage. She said she was consistently greeted with a husband kicking in a door wearing a cape, proceeded by a determined stride, followed by a dip and a long passionate kiss averaging a whopping ten seconds. Wow-wee! Another family had a baby girl that became a very girly-girl (e.g. mind like a diamond, knows what's best, eyes that burn like cigarettes, fingernails that shine like justice, and a voice that is dark like tented glass, that wears a short skirt and a long jacket, etc.) This was because the husband was confined to a wheel chair when they conceived their baby girl. The husband reported "sweet little pecks on the cheek as the wife leaned over with one leg kicked up for balance to take care of my every whim." Too cute!
         But other than that your baby came from your uterus and out your vagina.

-My beautiful and Immortal conspirators ,

B.P. Whitmore