Do you got Bronson?

Dear Person,

         To “got” something is to possess or understand it and to “understand” something is have a deep knowledge of the subject presented. So for Bronson to “got Bronson” he has to understand himself. It was the effort of the two hundred page thesis on Bronson to discover if : "Bronson has Bronson?" Here is a summery of my findings:

         What first had to be determined before testing if he has got himself was if he was self-aware. I set up a observation post in his room in an area that his mother told me he never uses (the laundry hamper) and was able analyze him before he wakes up. He seems quite smug with his room marked with a musky pre-adult pheromone that is potent enough to knockout a mature bear. You must understated that I fought off this fowl odor for months at a time surveying Bronson's habitat. He marked his territory with dirty clothes organized in a pattern that I can’t seem to find the significance behind. He is very concerned about his well-being as he wakes instantly to the sound of his rabid angry mother insisting that he gets ready for school. The first time I witnessed him waking I cover my eyes as he rips off the bed covers because I don’t know how properly clothed he would be. To my relief, Bronson does wear clothing when he sleeps, but, to my discomfort, very little clothing. While observing him for months at a time one day was particularly remarkable to my investigation. As he made his way to the door he stumbles over his empty laundry basket, proceeds to do the splits as he slipped on a Halo Graphic novel, and sent himself vulnerably towards the door-frame of his room. The house trembled when Bronson connected his head with the corner of the door-frame. Amazingly enough, young males are very resilient and Bronson had no exterior damage; however, the brain could be compromised. This event may seem unremarkable but it was after the klutzy and potentially impotent accident that I observed something incredible. As he was holding his cranium with his left hand and searched drunkenly for the light switch with his right he said something semi-audible under his breath. He said, “I hate my life.” Brilliant! Bronson is self-aware!

           Now I will proceed to share with you one of my personal favorite observations about Bronson which does shed light on the main question at hand: Does Bronson... got Bronson? One day I followed him to the bathroom and was dumbfounded at the grooming instruments and miscellaneous objects he took into the shower. Toothbrush and toothpaste, radio, shaving cream and a razor (I am curious why he needs those because he has very little facial hair), toe nail clippers, a can of whipping cream, rubber ducky, some army men, and a rain poncho. While most humans spend 10-15 minutes grooming themselves Bronson takes twice as long. I don’t think he uses his shower time specifically for grooming. I say this because he starts to sing obnoxious tunes, dance to "What is Love?" by Haddaway, and rehearses jokes for friends that probably won’t appreciate them. It was incredibly fascinating to hear an eighteen year old make explosion and tank noises as he fantasizes about some sci-fi universe he’d rather be in. But the most interesting observation I made was when I threw a shoe at the bathroom door. When the shoe impacted the door he got really quiet, pretending he wasn’t doing anything abnormal or socially crippling.

          Another, most interesting, part about Bronson is when he tries to socialize with the opposite gender, especially with the ones he finds attractive. In Shakespeare’s King Lear one of my favorite quotes by Cordelia states: “I cannot heave my heart into my mouth”, but when Bronson talks to females, it sure looks like it.

          I must end this investigation by stating that Bronson is a bit hopeless and that, "Bronson does not got Bronson." This statement is supported by the overwhelming evidence presented in my thesis. The confused looks he gives himself in the mirror, or how mentally taxed he looks trying to find a pencil that he hasn't found in his own hand, the hysteria of feeling sorry for the starving people that live in Hungry, his childish habit of mixing all the soft drinks at a restaurant, etc, etc (pages 64-593). I also believe he might have a bad case of daydreaming and Excessive Compulsive Disorder when it comes to his model airplanes. He seems overwhelmed with the mundane tasks of modern life and has the uncanny ability to get himself into unreasonable situations at repeated and connected incidents.  But in my final criteria on my thesis is the addition of a scary and troubling theory about Bronson which I state with the utmost observance and thought, to which, I present the scientific community. The final and most controversial proposal is as follows... do you "Got Bronson?" That is a question that will trouble me and most of my colleagues for decades to come.