Three Short Answers

Which hurts more, duct-tape pulled off nipple or happy trial?

I only tested on a deranged male, specifically myself, so results may differ depending on phenotype but I hotly contest that my happy trial still burns.

What would we do without you?

 You would be productive citizens married to attractive and affectionate spouses living on gross piles of money.

Pirate or ninja?

I know I will either be suffocated in my sleep or robbed of all my possessions if I answer this question so I will say this and only this: "Give unto ninja what is ninja's, and unto pirate, what is pirate's." -KJV