Monday, April 25, 2011

What would life be like without the other gender?

Dear Katherine and Eryn,
       If I were to entertain the fact that life would exist without the opposite gender I would say life would be different in many ways. First, there would be no sense of gender because there is only one gender. Second, if there were only men or only women, the way we would act and socialize would dramatically change.
       Let's touch upon the differences of the sexes. First, a society that is comprised of men would live in a Utopian society comprised of efficiency, peace, and prosperity because men are logical and peaceful at heart. A male society with leaders such as George Washington, Mahatma Gandhi, and Barak Obama would create a co-op synthesis of innovation and ideals. Not to mention Jesus is a male and he's perfect (you can't beat Jesus unless your Pontius Pilate).
      I female society would be the repugnant opposite. A society comprised of women would be ruled by totalitarian anarchy based on vengeance and hostility. I imagine a society of flaxen haired cheerleaders armed with automatic firearms burning the countryside because their leader, Oprah, was called a "bitch!" by Ellen DeGeneres.
      Don't get me wrong, I'm not sexist, I love girls and I think their graceful beauty is a shining light on a dark planet that would otherwise not swoon at the sight of a baby seal, but here arises a question. What would happen if men didn't have women? It is a fact that men are like blissful bees going about their work until you drop a female into there midst. When this happens we turn into starved baboons that have been tasered for months, only to wake up to see a beautiful ripe apple thrown into our midst.
      Ladies, men get mad and violent because we love you. Why do you think Napoleon conquered Europe? Probably because some pretty blond girl said he was short at a dance. He was so embarrassed he spilled Mountain Dew on his nice dress shirt so he ran into the bathroom sweating with shame. To his distress he realized that if he walked out of the bathroom with yellow stains on his white shirt people would freak-out. In an effort to preserve his dignity he crawled out the window vowing he would conqueror Europe and wear platform shoes to his next social ball. I feel you Napoleon. Don't listen to that beautiful girl in the red dress. Her silky golden hair that bounces about her shoulders as she flirtatiously moves about the dance floor. Or her infatuating hour-glass figure and graceful demeanor. You don't have to be any of those studly musketeer jockeys following her around like intoxicated cats fumbling to get catnip. Totally not worth it Napoleon.
       If there weren't women, men would have nothing to fight about and would go about our boyish hobbies like building legos and Xbox tournaments. What would women do if men weren't always trying to impress them? They would start fighting about who among them has the prettiest outfit, the smallest shoe size, the cutest hiccups, and etc. In a short amount of time a bloody scratching and hair pulling fight would ensue.
       On a different note about a mono-gendered society our feelings for each other would still be of love. Yes, we would all be homosexuals. In a duel-gendered society you can see this theory proven in isolated environments (e.g. super max prisons, Katie Perry's hit song, "I kissed a girl and I liked it", Obama and Biden, Lesbos, etc).
My beautiful and immortal conspirators,
-Bronson Whitmore

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